and don’t judge. Nobody — including you — likes to feel judged.

Studies show people get more pleasure from talking about themselves than they do from food or money:

Most of us are just dying to point out how other people are wrong. (Comment sections on the internet are fueled by this, aren’t they?)

And it kills rapport. Want to correct someone? Want to one-up them with your clever little story? Don’t do it.

When people hear things that contradict their beliefs, the logical part of their mind shuts down and their brain prepares to fight.

– The single most important thing is non-judgmental validation. Seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them.

– Suspend your ego. 

– Focus on them.

Listen 

– Really listen, don’t just wait to talk.

– Ask them questions; don’t try to come up with stories to impress.

– Ask people about what’s been challenging them.

– Establishing a time constraint early in the conversation can put strangers at ease.

– Smile, chin down, blade your body, palms up, open and upward non-verbals.

– Don’t be hostile or aggressive, but ask them to be straight about what they want.

The 4 basics of active listening 

1. Listen to what they say. Don’t interrupt, disagree or “evaluate.”

2. Nod your head, and make brief acknowledging comments like “yes” and “uh-huh.”

3. Without being awkward, repeat back the gist of what they just said, from their frame of reference.

4. Inquire. Ask questions that show you’ve been paying attention and that move the discussion forward.

Your words should be positive, free of ego and judgment — and your body language (“non-verbals”) needs to match.

1. smile. You absolutely have to smile. A smile is a great way to engender trust.” It makes us happier too. Neuroscience research shows smiling gives the brain as much pleasure as 2000 bars of chocolate — or $25,000.

2. “Keep that chin angle down so it doesn’t appear like you’re looking down your nose at anyone. And if you can show a little bit of a head tilt, that’s always wonderful.”

3. “You don’t want to give a full frontal, full body display.That could be very offensive to someone. Give a little bit of an angle.”

4. “Keep your palms up as you’re talking, as opposed to palms down. That says, “I’m hearing what you’re saying. I’m open to what your ideas are.”

5. try to use high eyebrow elevations. Basically, anything going up and elevating is very open and comforting. Anything that is compressing: lip compression, eyebrow compression, where you’re squishing down, that’s conveying stress.”